Step by step transformation

I recently started to think about this topic after several happenings.

The first one was after several recent conversations I had with one of my elder brothers. He has just retired. We spoke of how now he has more time to concentrate on doing more zikir, voluntary(nawafil) prayers, attending Quranic and fiqih classes in mosques. He spoke highly of the blessings of night virgils(tahajjud) and muraqabah (contemplation) that he has experienced so far. To a large extent I have been encouraged to look at my own spiritual condition and see how I can make further progress.

The second time was when me and my wife first visited our new gynae to get his expert opinion of how best to treat our unfertility problem. During the discussion, he mentioned to my wife that she needed to look into reducing her weight. For her height, he mentioned that she is about 15 kilos off her ideal weight. Depressing as it sounds my wife readily accepted that she needed to embark on some life-changing decisions, no matter how hard the challenges were. To encourage my wife, the gynae told her,"I do not want you go for a drastic diet change or slimming course. Make simple goal of reducing say 1 kilo per week. Reduce intake of rice and increase consumption of vegetable and fruits. In the long run, you will see the changes." I listened intently to this advice. It reminded me of the words of like Saidina Ali (radiallahu anhu ) "Wisdom is the goal of the believer, so acquire wisdom even from hypocrites."

Everyone wants to improve. Preferably in giant strides. We are bewildered by Hollywood "Extreme Makeover" reality show where real persons undergo sudden transformation of their physical appearance from one of unattractiveness to a socially acceptable standard of beauty. Instantly changing their confidence levels and lifestyle.

I think it is the same with spirituality. The desire to quickly achieve blessings, to get spiritual gifts and instantly turn embrace new moral principles. I am no exception. However looking back I realised it took me more than 15 years since I met my guide before I really made significant progress in my spiritual growth. I mean now I enjoy my salaat, especially night virgils. I have improved my frequency and concentration of zikir and selawat. My heart now would be able to absorb much more understanding of my guide's counsels and words of wisdom.

There are however more that I need to acheive and cannot remain in this level forever. For once, I want to clean up my workstation. It is mess. I remembered reading a book whereby the sufi syekh mentioned that if we cannot get our worldly life organised how do we expect to overcome our nafs in spiritual matters. It is said that this syekh was most organised and his workiong table was perpetually speck and clean. Now I have make a new goal to clean up my office desk. Half of it is now organised and clean of unwanted papers and files.

So far this simple progression method is indeed a useful tool. There is value in deliberate and measured improvements. Even the Prophet (s.a.w) when he received the revelation, it was in stages. The important things are patience, discipline and steadfastness. God knows what is best for us. He said in the Holy Qu'ran,"You may like a thing that is not good for you, and you may dislike something, but Allah brings about much good by way of it."

O God! Hold my hands in my journey to You. Do not abandon me or let me out of Your Sight even for a split second. Show me the way, grant me the inspiration to make new simple goals, patience and discipline in achieving them. For You are My Only Helper, Guide and Protector.

Are we finding God or is He looking for us ?

In my weblog title's description, I wrote about "a quest to find God". Interestingly today I picked up a book, which I bought a long time ago but yet to finish reading it. It is the "Station of No Station:Open Secrets of the Sufis". Turning to first few pages before the contents, a sufi story is related that interestingly questioned the assumptions of my understanding.

A man, in search of Truth, is on his way to Konya(famed for its men of knowledge), when he meets a traveller returning from that same city. After greeting one another, the second man asks the seeker what takes him there. "I am looking for God, and I believe there are people there who can help me find Him." To which he replies:"How strange! I saw Him yesterday, and He was looking for you!".

We seem so sure ourselves that the reality as we see it with our physical eyes represents the whole truth. But the sufis refuses to acknowledge anything to himself. Everything comes from God. He is As-Shamad (The Determiner of All Causes).

However, knowing this truth in our minds, according to my spiritual guide is not enough as it actually stands for a "spiritual station of witnessing God". One must therefore constantly pursue the goal of reaching this "station" by going beyond the basics of ritual prayers and obligations but supplementing with nawafil prayers, spiritual zikir, night contemplations and real knowledge of aqidah.

O God! Please help me your helpless and ignorant servant to seek, find and surrender to You so that Your Bountiful Grace and Light would embrace my soul!

A Very Good Analysis on the Issue of Women-led Prayer

This is a very good piece of writing that articulate the underlying reasons for what had happened and how the issue need to be addressed in perspective. The writer, Louay Safi, balanced his criticisms on both sides of the argument. Islam's Encounter with American Culture:Making Sense of the Progressive Muslim Agenda.

The Day After ....

The two IUI procedures have been successfully done on my wife. According to my wife, the first one seems less invasive and quicker. However yesterday's session was a bit more "intimidating" with she being ushered to the operating theatre with four nurses (apparently two are on-the job training). It took about 20 minutes. Unlike the first one in which I could comfort her in person immediately after the procedure, this time I could only wait anxiously at the waiting area for two hours.

I must say that this whole episode is certainly more emotionally draining on my wife. She has to get the jabs done before IUI, and now after the second one she has been prescribed with progesterone tablets to be applied externally. O God, I pray that give You her strength throughout this period for You art Most Hearing and Most Knowing!

Now is the time to wait for the results in two weeks' time. It is so ironic that when we decided to go and seek treatment in this hospital, a day before me and my wife was watching the program "First Mums" on Channel 5. One of the scenes was when the female character asked her husband to do the "ovulation injections" on her bums. Both of us laughed during the scene although it was suppposed to be one of the more poignant scenes as the husband told the wife,"We don't have to do this you know". Luckily my wife was prescribed the latest pen-like syringe(much simpler) and she need to jab at her stomach. Initially she felt a bit scary but it turned out to be quite okay.

Me, my wife and IUI

Today marks one of the key steps to me and my wife realising our dream of having children. After three years of marriage, she has still not conceive. Apart from the usual family and social pressures that you face (not that I bothered too much), there is also this issue of our biological clocks ticking. My wife is her mid-thirties while I am in my early forties. Medically we have been advised that the older the woman the less chances of getting pregnant or complications in her pregancy.

Two years ago we had seen a gynaecologist. However after one year without success and coupled with the fact we felt that he was more keen to work with "normal couples" rather than focus on one with infertility problem like us, we decided not to continue with his services. In early April this year, we have been seeing new gynae who is attached with a Special Fertility Hospital. We were impressed with the results that the Hospital had achieved, helping couples with fertility issues. So far our experience with this new gynae has been good. He is a nice person and seemed caring meticulous in his work. He discussed all our results throoughly explaining in layman's term the various readings associated with the tests. It is through him that we discovered my wife has PCO . This is polycistic ovary syndrome that afflicts a section of woman. That partly is due to my wife being "overweight". I was actually more concern of other health problems when I heard this like the vulnerabilities with diabetes. We also found out yesterday that our new gynae recently had twins through an IVF program in the same hospital. My wife and I agreed that having gone though similar problems may have attributed to my gynae being more passionate in his work with infertile couples like us.

Anyway after all the tests, he suggested IUI(intrauterine insemination) for us. This is partly due to my wife's age plus the hospital has a "70%" success rate and a lot cheaper than the next stage, i.e. IVF. We accepted his suggestion and decided on this regime.

It has been weeks and after the 7-days jabs, prescribed the latest pen-based method, the gyane told us that we can go for IUI this evening, followed by another one tomorrow morning.

Last evening, my wife asked me the most poignant question,"With this test coming, are you hopeful ?". I told her that we should leave everything to Him. Without doubt, if He wills anything is possible. If He does not, we should be prepared for the outcome. However, at the "human level", we should strive with whatever means available to us in the pursuit of our dreams. My wife then smiled at me.

Path to Heaven

Tonight is the last session with our guide. With the commemoration of the Prophet's birthday looming, the night's counsel revolves on the topic of "The Prophet's community(ummah) fate in entering heaven". The profound love and concern on the fate of the community by the Prophet (sallahu 'alaihi wassam - peace be unto him) is well documented. Even at his deathbed, his last words were "Ummati!Ummati!" (My people! My people!). It is related in a tradition that the Prophet(saw) had a conversation with Archangle Gabriel on the fate of his people i.e. whether they will enter heaven. Gabriel return to God and asked and told the Prophet that only 1/4 of them will enter heaven. The Prophet then told Gabriel to go and asked God again. Gabriel again return to God and this time told the Prophet that 2/4 will do do. This exchange repeated until Gabriel said for the last time that all of the Prophet's people will enter kingdom of heaven except those who:

i) do not seek repent and seek God's forgiveness
ii) create innovations in the matters of the faith
iii) in his or her lifettime do not utter the kalimah

Gems of Profound Wisdom

Last nite, the second of three-day sessions composed of counsel and profound wisdom uttered by our spiritual guide. He spoke mainly of witnessing God's Oneness, His Existence and His Supreme Power. The story of the creation of Adam and souls of his progeny was also recounted. Although the session was slightly shorter than the previous nite, the depth of sacred knowledge imparted represents no less a "heavy dosage" of sufic wisdom. One that needs not intense concentration but rather the opening of one's heart in order to receive the divine blessings.

On the witnessing of God's Onenesss, he spoke of the categories of belief:

1. Many men believe in God but do not not believe in His Existence (Wujud). If you ask them, do you believe in God, they will say "Yes". But they do not "see" His Presence. They are blind to His Existence(Wujud). As a result, they continue to defy God's commandments at the same time they claim to worship Him. They do not read nor understand of God's revealaion "And wherever you turn, you'll find Allah's Face(Wajh)". He spoke of a parable of the lion and the gold mine. If you tell a man that there is a gold mine nearby but a lion roams in the vicinity of the mine, it is likely, he will go to the mine because he has not seen the lion. But if instead the one who spread the word is the lion himself and stood in front of him, he would run away or be fearful because of the lion's "actual" presence.
   
2. Many men believe God is Supremely Great yet he prides in his own work and efforts. They know that He is the al-Muqtadir (The Powerful Determiner). The One whose Supreme Power enforces all decrees and ordains the course of all affairs. He said in the Qu'ran "by Him Who knows the unseen, - from Whom is not hidden the least little atom in the heavens or on earth". Despite this, they claimed their successes are due to their own mortal efforts. They forgot it is through God's Bountiful Grace that they are able to do those things they claimed. As a sufi said, abandon thy selfhood before embarking thy journey to God.
   

He also raised the question "Where therein lies God's Greatness ?" Is it this world of creation(alam) ? If the answer is "Yes" then if this created world doesn't exist it will therefore mean God's Greatness is diminished. The real answer is this: He creates what He wills. He commands "Kun!(Be)" and the thing is created. It is so easy for God. He does not have to struggle(jihad) to create something. That is why when we see some wonderful creation of God, we say "Subhanallah (Glory be to God!)". This is to reaffirm our witnessing of His Greatness in creating without any struggle.

On the creation of Adam and his progeny, he said that to the question, "Who was created first Adam or the human souls ?", the answer is "Adam". When God has created Adam, he commanded an angel to "stroke" his back. From thereon the spiritual effusion of human souls started. The souls in that realm were asked by God, "Am I not your Lord". The souls responded,"Verily, indeed Thou art our Lord". Thereafter, God kept the souls in a "special place" pending their descent to earth. The end of days would not happened until all the souls have completed their earthly sojourn.

The Gathering (Majlis) of Sacred Knowledge

Last night, we had a meditating, zikir and gathering (majlis) of sacred knowledge session with our spiritual guide. This is in conjunction with remembrance of the Mawlid this coming Thursday.

There were many stories, counsel and sacred knowledge imparted by our guide. He touched on the advice by the Prophet s.a.w. on keeping on the right path. He commented on the Amina Wadud issue. In between all these, he interpersed with the usual sufic stories and humor.

Strangely, I was supposed to be very tired yesterday but alhamdulliah I stayed awake and fresh throughout the 2 hours session. I reached one of my fellowship's members home (where the session is being held) which a half hour drive from my house. Since I only could leave office at 6.00 p.m., I ended up doing my evening Maghrib prayers at home and unable to join in the zikr session. It is of course preferable to be able to do the zikr together with my fellowship members and my guide but I had to choose a more pragmatic approach - reach home early, do the Asr prayers, had dinner, take a bath and do Maghrib prayers. So I am left with a more refreshing feeling and ready to listen attentively, God permits.

One of the night's main counsels was the advice by Prophet Muhammad (peace unto him).

1. Give salutations of peace (salaam) to fellow Muslims. Our guide commented that this means utmost sincerity. It is hypocritical to then backbite, spread fitnah or speak evil on those whom we have given our salaams. One of the reasons for the pitiful state of the Muslim ummah is because of a lack of sincere salaams. One which is given with the spirit of the doa "May Allah grant you peace and happiness".
2. Maintain good relations with your family. On this our guide mentioned that should do good to our family members. Do not create enmity between siblings. The family should be kept intact with love and care. Nowadays, it seems problems between families tend to land in the court of law. The sacred bond that ties parents and children or between siblings are becoming more fragile. The family institution has failed in its duty to develop "good citizens" and responsible Muslims. The moral decay has permeated the Muslim family.
3. Be a good neighbour. The rights of neighbours must be given. Our guide commented on the community spirit of the past where families shared food especially during Ramadan. Show kindness and love to your neighbour's children like your own.
4. Strive to do the night virgils/prayers. This has been the practice of all the prophets, including Prophet Muhammad(peace be unto him). Our guide specifically quoted the story of Prophet Noah who lived for 950 years. Out of that, he suffered for 800 years because of rejections by those he delivered the message of God. Even his wife and children desert him. At the end he was left with 83 followers that believed him. But through his night virgils/prayers, God elevate and ease his burden. Thus he was able to endure the sufferings which when compared to what we facing is incomparable.
   

He followed with profound sacred knowledge n the four categories of worships:

1. Those who worship the "Form" but not the "Name". These people are the disbelievers(kafirs). These are muslims who said that they worship the One God but in reality they subtly seek the power of other gods to achieve their spiritual or material goals.
   
2. Those who worship the "Name" but not the "Form". These people are the hypocrites (munafik). They do what others do. If others pray, they will pray. When others commit sin, they commit sin. When others condemned the religion they will do likewise. They like the hypocrites in the times of the Prophet who entered Islam but actually were against the religion and Prophet.
   
3. Those who worship the "Name" and the "Form". These are the polytheist (musyrik).
   
4. Those who worship neither the "Name" nor the "Form". These are the faithful (mu'min). They witness the Existence(Wujud) of God. They know that God is the "Real Actor" in this cosmic reality. Their ritual prayers(salat) are the result of God's Bountiful Mercy & Grace and not due to their own efforts. Be like them.

On the Amina Wadud's issue. He said that the action by her made her a Fasiq(wrongdoer who does not follow the Shariah). In the affairs of the world, woman can do anything, even be a leader or do what men does. But when it comes to matters of the faith, the woman should act within God's Law. The woman needs to understand that God has created her differently for a special purpose. He reminded us that God created Adam first to assume the khalifah status. Eve was created later as a result of Adam's plea to become his companion and provide the emotional support and love he desires. (Like the Prophet said woman are men's partners and helpers.)

On the hadith quoted in support of woman imam in which the Prophet had allowed a woman to lead a prayer during his times, our guide clarified that the woman had converted to Islam much earlier before her husband who was a new convert and also a slave. So the context of this allowance was specifically for that particular incident and within the family. It is not meant to set a precedent for leading a congregation of men. More so for a jum'ah congregation. If it had been intended as such, surely the Prophet would had said or affirm it.

In this relation our guide also narrated a parable of the donkey, his sufi master and the farmer. One day the sufi and his donkey was walking in the countryside when they came across the farmer who was tending his land. The farmer asked the sufi to pray for rain as his land has been dried up by drought. The sufi agreed. Days later there was rain and the farmer's land had grown fertile. The sufi then returns with his donkey and met the farmer in his land again. The farmer, feeling joyous, said that he wished to share his thankfulness. He told the sufi that he would like to buy the donkey and set it "free". The donkey responded by saying to the farmer,"Why would I want to be freed as I am already free. I have a wonderful master who takes good care of me. If you buy and free me from my master, then I would roam the land without a master. Perhaps one day another master will come and take me but I will not know of this new master of mine. So, I may not be "independent" but I am already free." On hearing that the farmer declined to buy and give the donkey its "independence".

Like the donkey(not used in the pejorative sense), a woman in Islam is already free. Free to do whatever she wants within the bounds of God's law (Shariah). She can study up to the highest level of education. She can go out to work to support her family. She may become the leader of a country. There is no limit. However, if she seeks independence outside of God's Law, she may achieved something but without God's Grace and Mercy.

Now it all begins…..

Bismillahir Rahmannir Rahimm

In the name of God Most Gracious Most Merciful

Finally my life as a blogger begins after a long time. Joining the millions that have made it to the virtual weblog world. I had waited. Hesitated. Uncertain whether it will serve any purpose. I mean writing bits and pieces of my life for everyone to see ? Hmmm, it has never been something I had contemplated doing before.

Well, what has driven me to this point ? For once, reading some wonderful weblogs has been an inspiration. The carefully thought writings. Beautifully crafted poetry. Rational expression of ideas, views and opinions. Heart warming spiritual counsel. On islam and sufism. Contemporary matters that happens in the world. Or even that simple plain daily personal excitements that captured my imagination and touched my heart.

However, to think of it I have never been a good writer myself. Whether in school or now in adult life. I hardly send my views to any forum. Partly because I was disheartened with constant bickering and those which I deemed unproductive arguments going on in forums . For God's sake, I have never even written a personal diary in my entire life! Would I been too consumed with the literary beauty and merit of my writings that detracts from the substantive message in it ?

But I have discovered that writing could be a form of therapy for me. For my soul that is constantly struggling to find and reach Him. To witness and realise His Being. His existence. His Presence. It helps to fill a void in between the prayer, zikir and contemplation. To break the routine that permeates my mind. To open up a new avenue for self-counsel. The other day, I was reading this article by Ibn 'Arabi. He said(something to this effect), "My master used to note down what his nafs has done throughout the day. I have also picked up the same habit."

I hope this will be a start of something meaningful, insha 'allah.

O God! Please help me, Your weak servant, in my struggle to find, reach and know You. Do not abandon me even for a split second. Shower me with Your Blessings and Grace that I may find happiness in my prayers, tranquility in my supplications and peace in my daily life.